Quit Smoking

I smoked my first cig when I was 10 years old. I was already addicted by 13. I have quit a few times. I have been smoking, this time, for a year straight.

I am now up at 4:00am feeling pain in my throat, my head and the left side of my body. I’m paranoid that I will get a stroke one day. I’m thinking about quitting but I just can’t see it yet.

I hate when people tell me to quit. I hate when people tell me to do anything really.

I can’t sleep.

Will I ever quit? I just don’t want to fail. I’m really not good at failing.

I wonder what it will take to get me to quit…

I am Lolita (part one)

I was about 14 years old when we moved into our beach house. 2 ladies in their early 20’s lived across the hall and we became friends. I was very mature for my age and we would talk about everything from sex and drugs to death and philosophy. I smoked cigarettes, drank a little, had been listening to bands for inspiration and secretly writing poetry.

My neighbor had just broken up with her boyfriend and was seeing this new guy. He was a counselor at a boarding school and asked me to go visit him with her. As usual, I agreed. After all it was an adventure and I was always up for those.

She drove since I was no where near getting my drivers license. We got there and she introduced me to her new man and another gorgeous counselor. We all hung out and talked. The other gorgeous counselor, who was tall, dark and had a great smile, invited me back to his on campus apartment. We talked for a few hours and then started making out.

I had some previous experience with making out and was very attracted to this man. My virginity was still safely in place but I was very sexual and curious. We had great sexual chemistry and did everything but have sex. We would take short breaks to talk and then get back to getting it on.

During one of our breaks he asked me “how old are you?” I lied and said I was 16. I figured that would be an acceptable age. By looking at his shocked face, I realized he was older than my neighbor, so hesitantly I asked him “and you?” he said he was 32. After a silent pause he said “you are as old as my students” I asked him if it bothered him but he said that it was too late to be bothered by it since we had already crossed the line. He told me that he thought I was my neighbors age or at least 18. I looked older than my age. I was happy about that since I wanted to continue to make out with him.

At about 8:00am my neighbor knocked on the door and told me it was time to go. I never saw that man again since we both knew we shouldn’t. I later found out that he had lied about his age too, he was really 34.

2008

I guess the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is tomorrow.

Sometimes I feel like I am living unconsciously, in a coma. It’s not that I’m a negative person or don’t enjoy life, it’s just that at times I feel like I can do more.

This year, I’d like to live with a better purpose. I would like to find a guy that likes me and I like him the same way and as much. I intend on attracting good people and not getting stuck on things and people that aren’t good for me.

2007 was a great year but I think 2008 is going to be better.